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Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
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all right. i need to rant. havne't done so in awhile. In truth I need to talk to someone, but who and when is a burdening question.
I find myself rather lost at this point. I don't know what to do. Part of me says to give up and despair. that part of me is very powerful at times, bringing me down into depression. that part of me keeps telling me that i have failed, that i will fail, that there is not the slighest hope of anything exsisting, that even such an exsistance is stupid and superficial. It communicates to me that i have spent a total of...lets see... 4 months there, one month there, 10 months there, one month there, and 3 1/2 more months and counting... all in vain and without no result at all. that's over 19 months...a year and half of my high school carreer, i've spent in pining. and not one has yielded the truely desired result. sure in all but one i've made some good, long lasting friendships (hopefully) but i was reaching for something more. is that my problem? i'm always reaching?
Sometimes i feel so insecure and so...useless... that i just feel like killing something...i don't know why i get a violent tendency in my depression...but it feels so much better to be angry then depressed. But then, i get my cool back, and sink into this stage where i am.
I just know that when i'm around certain people (and yes, it's people) i forget about my depression...even though thoughts of them are what fuel it.
Ugh. i need professional help. But, here it is. my soul. eat it as you see fit.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Thursday, January 11th, 2007
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Thursday, December 21st, 2006
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
it hurts!1!!!!!!
and my teeth aren't even out yet.
hopefully one pain will dampen the other.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
| Time: | 9:47 am. |
| Music: | Love's Devine, All Love's excelling -bagpipes. |
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So, History repeats itself. A weird occurance, but not an anomoly.
It's important that we learn from the past, and strive to make future, like situations better.
It's important that we don't make the same mistakes that our predecessors did.
Sometimes that predecessor could be yourself.
I am sitting in the same, rather hopeless situation i was 3 months ago. But what can I do?
It is beyond my control now. It has always been beyond my contrl. that is perhaps the most fustrating thing for me, someone who likes control and likes to know what is going on. On the other hand, i do enjoy some of the care free, controlless instances where you can just hang and do whatever you want.
But, the balls are out of my court. I can't play one on one agianst myself. I need someone else...at least one more person. they have the ball...
whether they decide to play, or even play the same game, is up to them.
Next semester will be interesting. Lets see how it goes, where it takes me.
Life is cookie. It's so sweet...but crumbles so easily.
I need to enjoy it before it crumbles.
But Life is a big cookie...and i can't eat it on my own.
and that is the truth of the matter.
I suppose what i Truely fear, most of all, is to be alone, to be abandoned. Be abandoned by love, by God, by those i care about...to be alone in the dark abyss with no one to hold on to.
Stupid Heart.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Monday, November 20th, 2006
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Great...Christian got his licsense
FUCK
ASS
doesn't make me the happiest person in the world.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Saturday, November 18th, 2006
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The fire burns inside of me
Purging my thoughts
of everythign but you not
Once a roaring flame
dancing too the beat
and so full of passionate heat
Once bright orage adn red
Yellow peeks and majestic glow
never, ever going low.
But now naught remains
just the black ash
and dim ember mash
A wasteland of death
death of the once bright fire
of a love that i thought would never tire.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Thursday, November 16th, 2006
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All that I hope for
is your eyes to open.
All that I wish for
is for a chance with your heart
yet again.
All that I want is your hand
and for our wounds to mend.
Time has been mean.
Crimson liqued
has been spilled
upon the battlefield.
Salty tears have rained down
and wiped it clean.
All that I hope for
is your eyes to open.
All that I wish for
is for a chance with your heart
yet again.
All that I want is your hand
and for our wounds to mend.
Many things have been lost,
Many people forgotten,
and many more remembered.
It has made my soul endangered,
and the means are gone,
it was too high a cost.
All that I hope for
is your eyes to open.
All that I wish for
is for a chance with your heart
yet again.
All that I want is your hand
and for our wounds to mend.
But now as we approach the end
and I still gaze on this earth
as I gaze into your eyes
and forget all the lies,
I remember what we once had,
And hope that our love will mend.
All that I hope for
is your eyes to open.
All that I wish for
is for a chance with your heart
yet again.
All that I want is your hand
and for our wounds to mend.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
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This door is shut,
This door is too.
Further down I find,
another locked door,
and yet again,
I fail to open one.
Four doors naught to open,
Four doors naught to be.
Four doors I will never know
Four doors I will never see.
Four doors that could hold
all that I want
all that I need
or all that will destory me,
or all three.
One door of oak
strong and sturdy
aught not to break
under the extreme conditions.
A gold knocker,
emblazened with the phrase,
"Primoris per quattuor ,
primoris in meus pectus pectoris"
From inside you hear
Mozart's 11th piano.
a soothing sound,
for a soothing memory.
The Second of Redwood
a fine piece of work.
Smooth as silk
glossed and routered
into a very fine finish.
A silver knocker,
emblazened with the phrase,
"Secundus puella,
plurimus decorus."
A simple message,
for an intricate door.
Fur Elise resonates
from within this hallowed portal.
The Third of Stone
never to be opened
or looked upon.
Little to be said,
it's blandness blinding.
No knocker,
but the phrase chiseled,
"Alieno quod attero."
We must follow its adivise
and move on,
for stone is never moved.
The Fourth and last
made of the finest fir.
The newest of the four
and most least virgin.
Splintering in one area,
piercing the heart
of any who look in.
"Ero restituo,
tamen etiam vulnero animus."
Is there still time to fix?
Only the sounds from within
can tell us.
Four doors all different
Four doors all shut.
Four doors with inside locks
Four doors with only one chance
to enter into it's glory.
Down the hallway we go.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Monday, November 13th, 2006
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I would have done almost anything
for your hand
I would have given almost anything
for your kiss
I would have taken almost anything
for your words
I would have sacraficed all
just for you.
But now I look out
upon the sunset
behind the devil's horns.
it's beauty coming no where close to yours.
I see the glowing yellow orb
turn to oranges, reds,
pinks, and blues.
Disappearing behind a viel of black.
You were once my sun,
but since it has set.
and the moon has taken it's place.
a deep, unforgiving moon.
that with it's very reflective glow
spites my exsitance
as but another hallow shell.
But the moon must set,
as the sun did.
But the sun did promise to rise again,
while the moon gave no such herald.
I wait now,
for the new sun to rise.
Just before it comes,
a torrental storm blows
and covers the heavens
and pollutes the earth.
Sharp beads of painful tears
from mother nature's iris
fall on my face,
burning every inch.
for in each drop holds
a piece of my hope,
evaporated and lost.
The sky openly mocks me,
the ground opens underneath.
The seas rise up to drown
and there is no sun to guide me.
What will bring me my sun
back from behind the devil's horns?
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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1000 years ago, Rykonian, Daleadus' sire, a master of Koldunic and Runic Socery created there mystical stones to trap three demons behind a mystical gate. He hid this gate in the center of christiandom, thinking that the closer it is to Peter's grave, the safer it will be. It is rumored that whoever doth open the gate will get from each demon one wish. Whoever controls the stones would said to be able to control the fate of the world, as these were Lucifer's creations, his dark angels. The stones were fought over in secret by the great powers for 400 years, before Rykonian was able to gain all three. Being the creator, he had a direct link to the stones through the blood. Naturally, his childe had that same connection, if diluted. Because of this Daleadus can only sense one is nearby, he can't find the exact location. When he learned of the stones, and the role his sire played, he betrayed Rykonian, staking the 2,500 vampire and hiding him in the catacombs of the Vatican, ironically, right next to the gate. He then went on a crusade to find the stones that his sire had hide. He searched alone, as the stones were largely forgotten about during the great Anarch revolt and the forming of the Camarilla. He was able to find two of them. The third alluded him as he searched all over Europe and the Middle East. He decided to search America, San Francisco being his last stop. he wants to become Prince, or overthrow him at least, to gain more freedom to search for the last stone himself.
A hundred hundred revolutions of the Earth
after the death of the Savior,
The Dragon did create three earths
To one earth he gave the mircle that the blind seek
To one he gave the power the lepers seek
To one he gave the power the soldiers seek.
Combine these three under the See,
And awaken that which no one seeks.
The Characters find the stone that Blind Seek.
After the coup attempt, and daleadus either goes into hiding or is prince, he learns that the stone is close when the character with it or touched it is close to him. he grows suspicious and orders them followed. They are met the next night by a small group demanding the stone.
If they go to the Tremere, or there is a tremere in the group that tells the teremere primogen:
The Tremere Primogen will know nothing about it, but if asked, will pass the information on to his regent. In one weeks time, the characters will recieve a personal visit from Lucian, one of the Council of Seven, personally. Tremere himself is seeking the great stones for he thinks he will be able to Control Lucifer's Angels in the jyhad and deliever Gehenna to all but his line, and to finally rid himself of Tzimisce once and for all. The tremere that visits will be most persuasive for retrival of the stone, and the others. He will tell them to find the other two and bring them to him. If they refuse, he'll find leverage to use against them, mortal family members, loved ones, sires, hcilder, the actual kindred's lives. Once the troupe gets the other two stones, and deliever them, Lucian will take them to Rome where they enter the catacombs. They will be met by the other six, shady members of the Tremere council, and a floating casket which entombs Tremere, a self-appointed torper spot where he can communicate with the council, and is soo enchangted that nothign can break it but himself. THe stones will be placed on pedistal and the gates will open. Tremere will awaken from his slumber, and the troupe will witness an epic battle between Tremre, his council, and the demons. IN the end, the demons die, and do does Tremere. The council, disillusioned, and already sensing the blood bond of the family breaking, their connection to vampiric life breaking, will escpae adn attempt to reorganize the clan. *All Tremere now must feed twice as much to sustain vampiric life. THis is a very light version of the withering.* Daleadus will walk in and find the characters and be enraged, and run off. yes, Daleadus is back.
If they do not go to the tremere: They are greeted by a wandering occultict Nosferatu named Gorgan who has some lore stories of the stone. Indeed, he can recite the above poem word for word. He is the loremaster of mystical artificats. he will give them information that all three stones are in the city. they must find the other two before someone gets them or gets theirs first. He doesn't know where the Gate is, or how to use them. he just knows about them adn that tehy are too dangerous. When the characters get the other two, Gorgan will rejoin with the group and tell them that he has solved the poem, and knows where the gate is, but warns them they must not go. He even fails to mention where, unless co-erced. He will tell them without a fight and go back to the sewers to fight off his "demons"(as a Nictuku has heard of the stones, 3 of them in one place is a great magnet. he is on his way to find out and get the stones for -his- master). The characters go to Rome, and if they activate the gate will unleash the demons. Rykonian will then wake up and tell them that they need to help him find the demons and end them.
Note on the stones: They are indestructable, at least by mortal means. The only way to destroy them is to destory demons each encases or to have Rykonian enchant something mortal. This was an oversight by the ancient Tzimisce. He failed to realize that the demons needed to be bound to something in order to exsist on this plane. Before they were binding onto and jumping from mortal to mortal. By entrapping them into the stones, the demons who can't pocess inanimate obects normally, were granted a chance at immortality and used their own magic once inside the stone to bind them to it. If they find Rykonian and unstake thim, he will tell them this, he's had 500 years to think on it. He will attempt to switch it, which can only be done in the presence of the demon itself, and in a blinding, brilliant display, which will kill Rykonian, the spirits will be broken from their stoney tomb, but still behind the gate. the spirits will bind themselves to three of the characters. these characters both gain 3 dots in physical attributes, 3 discipline dots, but also firery red eyes, and small horns.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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The Conducter
The Conducter gives off his terminal call,
the air fills with the dark grey fog,
It billows from underneath on to your feet,
and starts to consume you
as you see my face through the window,
for perhaps the last time.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
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The sun sets behind the hill
The moon rises to the apex of the sky
The stars gleam though the dark clouds
Soft rain dances on the ground
With my tears adding to the chorus.
I've lost my sun behind that hill
behind the city that rests on top.
I've found the moon
a meer reflection of the sun's gaze.
With my tears dancing for warmth.
A new sun rises naught,
and the moon fades.
The stars flicker
as all light is drawn.
With my tears flickering to the ground.
I have to move from my place of solitude
from my place in front of the hill.
For it's shadow is dark and fierce
And very few escape from it's grasp.
With my tears marking my trail.
I need to find a new sun
to fill the void of old
the void that exsisted
since the first sun rose,
With my tears not far behind.
I must start my journey anew
but with lessons learned
and trails blazened,
so as not to tread the same pat twice.
With my tears filling the streams.
But where to go,
and what to do,
How to find what was thought lost
and how to woe that which is,
My tears tell me naught.
My tears tell me naught.
My tears tell me naught.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Monday, October 30th, 2006
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Wise men say only fools rush in
But I cant help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I cant help falling in love with you
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I cant help falling in love with you
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I cant help falling in love with you
For I cant help falling in love with you
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Sunday, October 29th, 2006
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Love is like quicksand. The harder you fight, the faster you fall. And without help, even if you don't fight, you will still be consumed. Love requires three people, you can't conquer it on your own.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Saturday, October 28th, 2006
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I am at a stasis. a stoic state. a place of static. By my own doing, this has happened. By wanting change, i begot stasis.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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First of all i was surprised by the amount of feed back my last post got. it was great. You are all really cool people, with wonderful advice. I appreciate it all.
Regetably, I am inexpirenced and rather, i suppose immature, when it comes to certain things. But this is okay, as life is a learning expiernce. I'm still learning a lot. There are many excuses and explanations for the things i do, that come off rather poorly for myself and the people around me sometimes. I just hope that if any damage has been done it hasn't been bad. I shall let the healing hands of time take over. Life was best when i was cool and casual. Life shall return. Change is a good thing.
But everyone deals with things in differnet ways. I only hope that they i've dealt with things in the past will change as that seems to result in rather negetive effects.
In any event, thank you folks for taking the time to help a guy.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
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I feel the need to toot my own horn here. so if this sounds egotistical, then you're reading it correctly. A guy needs to have a bit of self esteem, so i might as well try and build a boat that floats right?.
I am a senior now, in high school. I've got a 4.12 GPA through Junior year. After this term i'll be done with all my required classes. I'm taking Calculus over at LMC. I'm in Chior and i'm happy to be a part of Playmakers as I am. I am going to go to Britian this summer. It's all payed for. I'm guaranteed admissions into a UC because i'm in the top 4% of the class. I'm going to apply to Stanford (reach school), UC Santa Barbara, UC Santa Cruz, Southern Oregon University, St. Mary's College of California, University of the Pacific, and probably the Catholic University of America in Washington, DC. I'm interested politics and economics, what's goin on in the world. I am a proud republican, and (some would argue vehmently against) have a lot of reason and understanding. I am not happy with the way that Congress is being Run. I'm rather complacent with the Exuctive and Supreme Court, although the 9th circut of appeals can lick my ass crack and ball sack. I work at a movie theatre. I make minimum wage. I am caring. I care about the ones who hold places in my heart. I am a gentlemen. Sometimes i forget my manners, but i try and do the best i can. I am responsible. I have this problem with breaking the rules. I recognize that i not endowed with importunity as some people like to think they are. I do break some on occasion, but who doesn't? I am not horrible looking. I'd like to think i hold my own level of handsomeness. I ain't repulsive. I am devout and commited. I am very resolved in what i do when i commit to doing it. And i commit easily. I am not afraid of commitment. I am mature, a rare quality in anyone over 13 now adays. I have a wicked sense of humor. I am Catholic. I go to mass every sunday, went to confession recently. and most of all, I am cursed.
I am cursed because i am mature, overbearing, commital, responsible. I am cursed becasue i've been given so many gifts from God. I am cursed becasue I am beyond the comprehension of a lot of things that I want. and of course by things i mean women. what else would i be talking about? Certainly it is high school, senior year, and the odds are no girl i meet here will mean much later, but, they'll mean something now. And as much as living in past will hurt, living only in the present is blinding, and living in the future is futile, a careful blend will keep you going. And for me, having someone now is my little dose of the present. My future is the colleges. My past is faith and family in more of a sense. I want to enjoy this last year of relative freedom. I want to enjoy it with someone who i can hold, care for, who cares for me, who holds me, who talks with me, who i can talk to, who calls me up on a whim just because they can, who i can call up with impunity. Who will be there for me, and keep me company when the walls of loneliness begin their dreadful march towards me. Who will save me when i need to saved, adn who i can save from time to time. At least just for now. The hard part though is finding someone of that nature. i've yet to find someone who feels the same for me, as i do for them. Who I like, and they like me back. I've rarely had anyone ever like -me-. if anyone does, they don't say a word, don't make it known, and go on with their lives. I try and in my own way let someone know that i'm intrested, hopefully giving them a chance to realize it and judge their level of interest. I know i can be ovebearing at times, but it's who i am, and it's a flaw. A curse. I'm a human being. I feel attracted to certain people. but from what i can tell, i'm the same polarity as ever girl, cause no one is attracted to me, and i know how angsty that sounds. I am the friend. I am always the friend, and can't get off that hill. I climb the mountain only to realize that base camp was where i'd end up. Perhaps High school was not meant to be my time to blossom. Perhaps Post-Secondary education will be for me the best years of my life, or if not, at least better than these past 3 adn half. It's been fun, dont' get me wrong, but from the standpoint of the woment problem, it hasn't been fun. I try, and i fail, and i try, and i fail. So i stopped trying, and somehow i still fail, and being to try again, only to teter on the edge of fail, hanging on by the roots of some ill-planted tree. a tree of hope. My happiness has been a non-issue it seems. I care too much about the happiness of others that my own happiness becomes secondary or tertiary. I bend over backwards, which perhaps i souldn't do. Am i not strong enough, handsome enough, smart enough, mature enough, not at the maturity level of most guys (which is two heads and letting gravity win.)
What is it about me that high school won't let me win. can't i even tie, or succeed. Just once. Just once i'd like to know i can succeed in some small way.
J'ai fini.
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(12 Drama Kids | Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
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There is no escape from the clutches of evil,
There is no escape from the clutches of Love,
There is no escape from the fires of anger,
There is no escape from the fires of passion,
There is no escape from the jaws of hate,
There is no escape from the jaws of lust,
There is no escape from the ravages of revenge,
There is no escape from the ravages of romance,
But the worst thing of all
Is trying to escape them all
only to fall.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Monday, October 9th, 2006
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Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
My heart racing out of control,
Nothing I can do.
Heart with a mind of its own.
Nothing I can do.
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
What's a guy to do,
When his mind's no longer in control.
What's a guy to do,
When his heart runs the show.
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Can't think of what to do
Mind telling me one thing
My heart another,
What's a guy to do.
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Irrational care,
Unconditional love,
Incoherent speech,
Uncontrolable feelings.
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
What's a guy to do
When his heart if full of hope,
What's a guy to do
When his minds and ears aren't.
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Heart beating
beyond control.
Mind Racing,
out of control.
What's a guy to do,
Nothing I can do,
What's a guy to do,
Nothing I can do.
Thumpity Thump Thumpity Thump
Thumpity. Thump.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
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Chapter 3: The bottom of the Glass.
James walked up to the bar at Amanda's and ordered a bottle of the strongest stuff they had. He wasn't in a good mood. Sam the Barkeeper noticed this problem.
"What's wrong James?"
"I've been thinking," James replied.
"Hurt yourself again?"
"Yeah. I just don't see how she can just walk away like nothing happened. Like i don't exsist."
"Well, how long you known this girl?"
"I've been thinking about her for the past month, does that count?"
"No, you gotta actually talk to her and get to know her."
"But she's so far away now....I feel that nothing is gonna happen.."
"Here ya go." Sam handed him a tall one. "Cheer up, It's not the end of the world. Is there anyone you need me to cut in the face for ya?"
"No thanks, No one yet."
James took his beer and went up to his room to sleep and think and wait.
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(Are You A Drama Kid?)
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